O.K.  Here's the way I see it.  We cats are fun to play with and even more fun to watch.  But let's face we are animals with limited intelligence.  Some of us behave very strangely.  Most defy explanation.  We get pleasure from gouging antique furniture with our claws and eating carpet for a snack.  Since I have my own web site and obviously can talk and write this column, I am proud to present my new feline advice column!

Just Ask Autumn!

If you are a cat and have a question that you would like me to answer in my advice column,  please email me!

  Now, here are some new questions for Autumn:

Q: Dear Autumn,
As a cat how do you deal with all of the self hatred?  Being a cat, you must be aware that your species is know for being self absorbed, smelly, bug eating, hair shedders, that lick them selves and puke all the time.  This must be tough on your self esteem.  Do you just pretend you are a dog?  Rover

A: Being a cat, I am not intelligent enough to deal with these issues.

Q: Dear Autumn,
I am writing to express my confusion over why my parents won't let me and my other feline companion sleep on their beds any more. We try to keep ourselves clean. Just because we like to eat rodents and sometimes get tape worms is no excuse to ban us from the bedrooms. Why is it so bad to have fecal matter on our paws and jump on the bed, we lick it off ?? Please HELP !!!!!!!  Barney

A: Sometimes it is hard, but even so we must try to accept the fact the we cats are the lowest of life forms.  We have disgusting habits that humans find repulsive.  We must learn to stay away from furniture that humans use so that it will not become infested with our germs.  Only dogs are allowed on human furniture.

And now, here are more questions from Autumn's friends:

Q: Dear Autumn,
Sometimes my owner pulls a plastic bag over my little head.  It makes me feel dizzy, and sometimes I fall over.  Is it safe to play with plastic bags? 

A: "YES, most definitely!   The sensation of plastic covering your face can be euphoric.  A plastic grocery sack also makes a fun play tent!"

Q: Dear Autumn,
How clean can you really get by licking yourself?  Isn't it better to have your owner give you a bath once a month?

A: "Bathing is an important part of daily grooming.  The best way to do this yourself is to lie on your back against a wall (preferably near a corner) and lick your entire body.  It is also easy from this position to pull your foot into your mouth and chew your nails. You should do this at least once a day.  It is fun to hack up a hairball and it makes a really neat sound.  However, there are certain limitations to the hair-licking method.  Additionally, dander and fowl allergens can accumulate in your fur and make your owner feel like he wants to cough up a hairball.  For this reason I recommend having your owner give you a bath with soap and water frequently."

Q: Dear Autumn,
How can I take advantage of my owner's subconscious desire to own a cute, cuddly, and friendly puppy that will exist solely to provide companionship and love to his master?

A: "Find a cozy lap to rest in after a hard day of play and pretend you enjoy the constant petting and baby talk.  The fact that you hate human contact will be our little secret!"

Q: Dear Autumn,
I know that we cats are stupid by nature.  But is there any way I can learn to be smarter, so I can be more like a puppy?

A: "Yes! Read the newspaper every day."

Q: Dear Autumn,
My owner spends hundreds dollars on expensive cat food that just makes me a fat cat!  How can I make sure I work the right nutritional elements into my diet?

A: "Eat a well balanced breakfast.  Be careful, though.  If the box of cereal falls off the pantry shelf, you might get caught!"

Q: Dear Autumn,
Sometimes it is so hard for me to stay awake when there is so much to do around the house.  There are walls and furniture that need to be scratched, shoes and electrical appliance wires to be chewed up, and kitty litter to be scattered out over the floors (just to name a few!).  Is there a natural way to increase my energy level so I don't fall behind in my chores?

A:  "Get your full eight hours of sleep........twice a day!"