The most enormous feeling of melancholy
can surround a
waning Christmas night. I wonder why I find myself looking back so soon
into the
past to reflect upon the excitement of this Christmas season.
Just a few short weeks ago we pulled the
decorations
out of their storage places. The activities of the day include
wandering through
the house with the Christmas wreaths in hand, holding them up to each
door to
determine which ones they would look best on, untangling sets of
multi-colored
lights and testing the bulbs, and voting on whether or not to put up
the
artificial tree or buy a real one. We decide on the real thing again
this year,
so that Saturday afternoon in early December my brother and I set out
into the
first blizzard of the season, bundled up in warm layers, to find our
Christmas
tree. It was so exciting to see the snow and wind turn our town into a
winter
wonderland, the perfect atmosphere to set the mood for bringing home
the
Christmas tree! Even though we couldn’t see the road ahead of us from
time to
time and had a few scares slipping and sliding in the drifting snow, we
were
determined to get our tree that day. We listened to a cassette of
Christmas
music in the truck and watched cars drive by with trees hanging out of
trunks,
through back seat windows, and tied down to the tops of cars.
Determined to find
the perfect tree, we walked through the driving snow with wind at our
faces…I
can’t remember feeling colder than I was that day.
We needed to find an indoor tree lot and
finally we
did. It was a lot of extra driving in the storm, but it was worth it. I
have
never seen so much Christmas under one roof. The hustle and bustle of
the
Christmas season was ever present as everyone there had the same idea
of getting
out of the cold. Christmas plants, wreaths, lights, crafts, and of
course trees
were ever abundant. The rich smells of pine and cinnamon filled the air
in a way
they only can at Christmastime. A swinging wooden door led into the
"tree
room". Once beyond that door, the smell of evergreens was overwhelming.
Every size and species seemed to be represented. A giant heater blew
warm air
out into the open barn-like structure that was so big that the rows and
tows of
fresh-cut trees seemed endless. It was very difficult selecting a tree
from the
incredible selection. We inspected the multiple varieties for color,
shape, and
of course for how "Christmassy" they smelled!
The scent of firs and pinecones took me
back to my
childhood and a Christmas tradition my brother and I shared every
holiday
season. As children, we would walk through the local indoor Christmas
tree farm
and marvel at the holiday wonderland that surrounded us. We never had a
real
Christmas tree until we were much older, so the fragrance of evergreen
was a
novelty. We would tear small branches off the trees and hide them in
our coat
pockets to bring home as souvenirs of our trip through the Christmas
tree farm.
Ever since then, the smells of a Christmas tree farm bring back a flood
of
memories of my childhood Christmases.
After searching (and smelling) for a
while, we finally
found the perfect tree. It was tagged and carried out into the blowing
snow
where four men worked to tie and bag the selections of the day. We
watched our
tree being processed through an icy frosted garage window.
I remember stopping at the store on the
way home for
the popcorn and hot chocolate we had decided we would have that night
while we
put up the tree and began the trimming ceremony. Weekends were suddenly
very
special because the week was long and the days were the shortest of the
year. I
knew from past Christmases that it would all flash by in a breath and
it was
time to cherish every moment to its fullest, for in a few short weeks
all that
would remain of this Christmas would be the memories of those
moments…treasured
memories, if I wanted them to be.
We all agreed that our tree was perfect,
and each night
during that next week we would set aside an hour or so to forget our
ordinary
problems of the day and the seemingly relentless bitter cold and snowy
weather
that began on the day we found our tree. During that hour in the
evening, we
added something new to the tree each night while Christmas music played
in the
background. First the lighted treetop, then the lights, then red
ribbons, and by
the end of the week there were candy canes adorning every other branch!
There
was only a week left until Christmas and the list of things to do was
growing,
but the Christmas tree lit in the corner of the living room inspired
all of us
to enjoy our Christmas chores.
That weekend, our Aunt invited us over for
an early
"Christmas" dinner of home baked Italian lasagna. She was more
Christmas spirited this year than in many, spruced out with a snowman
in her
font window and a miniature Christmas tree in the living room. An
inflatable
Santa Claus that my brother and I had enjoyed playing with as children
was
lovingly placed on the living room floor, standing and peeking around
the corner
into the main entranceway to welcome us as we arrived! We lit a fire in
the
fireplace and enjoyed hot chocolate as the flickering flames cast
dancing
shadows across the room lit dimly with winter’s frosty late afternoon
darkness. We reminisced about the old days when the whole family would
gather at
the old family homestead belonging to my Grandparents. The dining room
table
would be dressed in Grandma’s finest linen and covered with home baked
Italian
sweets. The aluminum branches of the Christmas tree twinkled and glowed
from
green to red and blue to yellow as an old-fashioned rotating colored
light wheel
cast shadows of the hand-blown glass ornaments on the walls of the
living room.
Family would come and go all evening long to spend time visiting
Grandma and
Grandpa and gather around the kitchen table to play cards and tell
stories. On
our way home each Christmas Eve, we would always see a tiny red light
moving
across the sky. Despite the fact that the airport was nearby, to us
children on
Christmas Eve, the light was always Rudolph’s nose glowing ahead of
Santa’s
sleigh on its way to our house for the Christmas Eve visit!
The drive home from our Aunt’s gave us
family time
together to talk about the holidays. The bitter cold never went away,
but we
joked about how every year the snow would fall before Christmas and
then melt in
time for a mild and rainy Christmas. Expecting much the same to happen
this
year, I put every effort available to me into soaking in all of the
Christmas
festivities while the snow was falling. More families than ever seemed
to be in
a festive mood this year as they decorated their homes with
multicolored outdoor
lights and Christmas displays. Nearly every other house on every street
was lit
up like a scene from a holiday movie.
The weekend that followed was stormy. A
winter storm
warning was issued Friday afternoon. Snow was falling fast and heavily
as I left
work and traffic on the expressway was crawling in the blinding
blizzard. Cars
were off the road in ditches and snow drifts everywhere, yet frantic
shoppers
still lined up at the exit for the mall for more Christmas shopping.
Eighteen
inches of snow fell overnight and reports of over four feet came out of
some of
the heavier lake-effect snow-belt regions just to our Northeast along
the lake.
Saturday morning was spent digging out, but the sun was shining
brightly,
inviting the world out into a winter wonderland and another day of
shopping
chaos at the malls. With only a week left, this was the day I knew I
had to get
out for a shopping marathon. Mom baked and frosted cookies and brownies
that
weekend, Dad trimmed some long branches from the tree that were
bothering him,
our dog slept under the Christmas tree cuddled in her warm blanket, and
my
brother and I did manage to get some shopping done.
Things were getting more and more hectic
as the days
before Christmas passed. Tuesday night was spent making eggnog for work
and
cooking meatballs for my class on Wednesday. At least I could look
forward to
the long drive through the snowy countryside to get to my night class.
At the
holiday time of year, I always look forward to a nighttime drive. I
look at all
the houses that are decorated with colored lights and count the number
of
Christmas trees that twinkle through the frosty windows of the farm
houses. That
evening, the moon shone brightly on the snow-covered fields and
sparkled off the
peaks of snowdrifts like twinkling lights atop tiny snow-covered
Christmas
trees. My mind drifted back again in time to when my brother and I were
children
on Christmas morning. The moonlit snow would glisten through the
windows just
enough to cast a glow upon a branch or two of the Christmas tree early
on
Christmas morning. We would wake up to a quiet tapping on the wall that
separated our bedrooms (this was our signal to determine if the other
was
awake). We would quietly tiptoe to the hallway and peek downstairs to
see if
Santa had made his visit yet. As we strained to see through the
darkness, if we
could see packages scattered around the tree, we would assemble in the
hallway
at the top of the stairs just to sit and ponder over what wonderful
things those
assorted packages might hold! As dawn approached, the sizes and shapes
of all
the gifts would become apparent. Finally, when we could no longer
contain our
excitement, we would burst down the stairs and light the tree. The
Christmas
music was turned on and the volume steadily increased until either Mom
or Dad
arose from bed to begin the ceremony of opening our presents!
Steve & Don, 1969
What a wonderful thing it is to wake up to
softly
playing Christmas music on that very special morning. A streetlight
blinked to
red and my mind’s eye blinked and was transported to the day after
Thanksgiving when my brother and I would be awakened to the sounds of
Christmas
music playing on our Aunt’s stereo. She would come to our house for
Thanksgiving dinner and bring us home with her that night to take us
shopping
the next day. We slept in the "blue room" as we would call it and we
looked forward to spending the day on a Christmas adventure with her.
She would
take us to the local department stores and sometimes we would see Santa
Claus.
As we got a little older, it became a tradition for her to take us
downtown and
see what Christmas in the city was like! Having lived all of our lives
in the
suburbs, it was a treat to see the sight of downtown all decked out for
Christmas. In those days, many of the last vestiges of Christmas past
remained
as traditional reminders of what shopping downtown for the holidays was
like.
Aunt would tell stories of what it was like on Main Street at
Christmastime in
the old days. Then we would see the expensive decorations in the fancy
department stores and she would tell how she remembered seeing those
same types
of decorations a half-century ago! She fondly remembered a Christmas
after the
War when Peace had finally returned to the world and the holiday had so
much
more significance. I somehow adopted a yearning to feel that same
emotional
holiday cheer that Christmas in the city brought back to her.
Reality returned as snowflakes began to
fall onto the
windshield of my car. I was whisked back to the wintry country road
where I was
on my way to class that Wednesday night. I had driven into an isolated
lake
effect snow squall! The snowflakes grew larger and heavier and began to
cover
the roadway. It was picturesque with the snow falling and the Christmas
displays
surrounding nearly every home through all of the small towns and
villages I
passed through on the way to the university. The days are so short, and
the
nights so long and dark at this time of year that I wonder if earning
my Masters
Degree is worth these long cold drives twice a week. Then I turn the
radio on
and hear the most beautiful Christmas music and look out the window at
a
treasury of visual images that stirs all of these Christmas memories
and I’m
thankful for this magical holiday ride itself on this Christmassy
December
evening.
The days before Christmas are waning, and
it is
suddenly the last Saturday before Christmas, the day before the night
before
Christmas! Everyone is scrambling to get his or her last minute
shopping done.
Some are starting their shopping today. This year for once, I had
already
started my shopping, so the goal was to finish and then wrap everything
that
evening. Wrapping Christmas presents was a holiday tradition shared by
my
brother and I. We would gather all the supplies we needed and retreat
to one of
our bedrooms. With the sounds of the season playing on the stereo in
the
background and lights strung across the ceiling from wall to wall for
atmosphere
(I think the marks from the masking tape on the ceiling are still there
in my
brother’s old bedroom at my parent’s house), we would organize an
assembly-line procedure where each of us had a task and the job could
get done
faster than either of us could do on our own. We would reminisce about
our very
first Christmas memories and the "Charlie Brown" Christmas tree that
Dad would bring home from work a few years earlier that was our very
first real
Christmas tree. The excitement was building as Christmas Eve day was
now just
hours away!
Christmas Eve morning found us still
wrapping gifts.
Christmas was here already and it was time to get ready for the main
event –
the big Christmas gathering. I still just can’t believe Christmas has
come
again already. In these few precious and fleeting moments of Christmas,
I’m
reflecting on all of the events that will make this Christmas special
in my
memory, but I am overwhelmed with the disbelief that another Christmas
is nearly
over already. Another Christmas, another Christmas. Those are the words
on my
mind as they were last year and the year before that. I have suddenly
realized
that I am no longer a child, and the season of Christmas seems to be
racing past
ever faster and fuller of things to do than ever before in my life. I
need to
find something that makes the feeling of Christmas morning last 365
days a year.
As the family gathered together to enjoy a
holiday meal
and an evening of games, good food, and merriment, a holiday tradition
is
realized. We remembered earlier years when this Christmas Eve tradition
was
still new and one of the neighbors would dress up as Santa and ride up
and down
the street gathering the children of the neighborhood to sing carols in
the
falling snow. Then there was the year that Christmas Eve brought nearly
70-degree temperatures all day and any hope of a white Christmas was
gone….
That is until 11:00 that evening, when someone looked out the kitchen
window and
cried, "It’s snowing! Everybody come look out the window, it’s
snowing!" It snowed big heavy flakes until the ground was white and the
beauty of that Christmas Eve snowfall nearly brought tears to
everyone’s eyes.
As my cousin and I take our annual walk
along the road
this Christmas Eve night, candles flicker in wax bags and line the
street like
sparkling diamonds in the night. A few had already burnt out and as
another
Christmas Eve was about to become committed to memory, I stopped and
stared into
one of the small flames hoping to slow it’s progress. For a second in
time it
stopped to let me absorb the moment, but only for a split second. I was
numb
from the cold and worried whether I had truly captured the moment.
Somehow I
felt as if in that moment, the flame inside that wax bag was a special
Christmas
flame that could feel what my heart was wishing. The feeling of a
Christmas Eve
is remarkably spectacular, even magical, especially when enhanced by a
drive
home through a winter wonderland of snow, icicles, lights, soft
Christmas music,
family, and thoughts of the first Christmas night. A twinkling star
overhead is
my Christmas star, and I felt it too heard my heart’s Christmas wish.
Only one night of the year is so special.
Soft
Christmas music plays all during the night as the colored bulbs twinkle
and the
candlelight flickers. In the morning, there is great joy in exchanging
gifts. So
great that the gift opening ceremony lingers on into the afternoon.
It’s
finally time to cook the Christmas hens and look forward to a visit
from more
family! But quickly the evening comes and its time to settle in for
another long
winter’s nap by the candle’s flickering glow. Suddenly midnight comes
and
its December 26th. Everything is quieter and
darker as I look around
me. The joyous Christmas music ends and the world turns off their
Christmas
lights for another year…or so it seems at first. Trying to recapture
the
magical moments of another treasured Christmas, I found the Christmas
flame
still burning in me. That wonderful Christmas feeling didn’t just
disappear at
the stroke of twelve. I smiled and went to sleep.
They say its bad luck to reveal your
Christmas wish
before it comes true. Mine has come true, so I will share it with you.
I finally
found the magic that allows the excitement of Christmas to last
year-round. Her
name is Amy and the life that we now share together as one is the
culmination of
every Christmas wish and desire that my heart and soul may have ever
had.
Knowing we have started a journey together that will someday bring
little ones
into our lives who will send quiet tapping signals on the wall that
separates
their bedrooms to hasten the onset of Christmas morning brings closure
to my
search for the meaning of all the hustle and bustle that surrounds this
very
special holiday. For all the stress and anxiety that may be involved in
this
time of year, and all the loved ones who may no longer be with us in
body, there
is a bigger payoff. It is knowing that those treasured memories of old
fashioned
Christmases that we absorb throughout our lives begin a sentimental
journey that
will last forever in spirit enveloped in the cycle of life. Every
perfect gift
that is painstakingly chosen, every holiday chore that is reluctantly
completed,
every family visit, and every holiday party hosted, all hold the
special moments
that we will treasure together in years to come. These are the good
old-fashioned days of Christmas past and the Christmas flame can never
be
extinguished as long as there are children (and adults) who believe in
magic at
one very special time of the year!
Christmas with Grandma Moses
